Devonie and I have had the privilege of mentoring engaged-to-be-married couples for the last 10 years or so and it’s not only a joy to see their enthusiasm (and rose-colored expectations by the way) but it’s also valuable to our marriage because it forces us to talk through some tough principles and truths that we’re sharing with the young couple and at times we’ve gotten out of practice in applying these principles in our own marriage.
One of the questions we ask each couple early in the 8-week process goes something like this: “What are the things about your parent’s marriage that you would most like to replicate in your own marriage?” The sobering answer is most often, “We really want to have a marriage different/better than our parents have experienced.” Now, before we go any further, would you pause for a minute and reflect on how you might have answered that question the year before you were married? And then ponder how your own children might respond if asked about how you and your spouse have modeled marriage for them? Are you encouraged? Entirely demoralized? Or clueless as to what they would say?
Like it or not, our kids are incredibly observant and know so much more about how healthy (or not) their parent’s marriage is than we’d ever guess. And if you agree with this premise, it explains the purpose of this blog post.
Since we still have two weeks between now and Christmas and you’re likely racking your collective marital brains trying to decide what to buy each of your children and what you can afford to spend, I’d like to offer an entirely different suggestion. It’s a gift they will cherish infinitely more than any article of clothing or electronic gadgetry could possible deliver: a reinvigorated marriage relationship for their parents!
Chances are that time, distractions, careers, and yes, even raising your kids have conspired to create a sort-of mediocrity in your marriage that the average couple experiences. But they all-too-often assume, in resignation, that our marriage “is what it is” and that it’s not likely to get much better at this stage. Both of which are incorrect assumptions.
Instead, give your children (even your adult children) the best gift you have EVER given them in their lives – the gift of a renewed, perhaps even transformed marriage for their parents (you). I’m sure you think I’m kidding about this next suggestion but I’m serious as a heart attack – wrap a note from both of you under the tree this year that tells them how special they are to you and that instead of buying them another shiny, fashionable, or fragrant gift, we wanted to give you a gift that will positively impact you for the rest of your lives: witnessing your parents better connected and more in love than they’ve likely ever seen.
Don’t be afraid to admit in this note that you’ve allowed your marriage to become “mediocre” and explain that you want more than that for yourselves and for your family. In essence, you’re declaring that you’re intent on forging a marriage that is abundant – one that communicates honestly and transparently; that laughs together again; that spends time together doing things you both enjoy, that is intimate – both emotionally and physically (that’ll gross ‘em out for sure); and one that models a self-less, sacrificial relationship between two people who are committed to each other for the rest of our lives.
Should you choose to accept my challenge, there are plenty of marriage-related retreats that can help you re-invest in a marriage that has evolved into mediocrity – including Family Life Ministry Family Life – Weekend to Remember and New Life’s marriage weekend retreat called Intimacy in Marriage New Life – Intimacy in Marriage
If you prefer books to read together, there are plenty of great books available including, The 5 Love Languages (Chapman); The Meaning of Marriage (Keller) and Love and Respect (Eggerichs) to name a few. For men, I’m convinced that you husbands can take a major step towards transformation starting with you, even if your wife is less interested. I’ve made that case in more detail in my book and videos here: Men Your Marriage Matters…to God And, if you’re in the Atlanta area, you can register at this website to join our next husband’s workshop that starts on Thursday, January 26th in Alpharetta.
Regardless of what path you decide to take – I promise, this will be the very best present you’ve ever given to your family. It might even be the best gift for our culture and our country for that matter as we all fight to strengthen marriages and families!
If you do accept this challenge, I can’t wait to hear your story of how it’s going – all to the glory of God!
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